Why am I so angry and hateful to those around me, especially parents?

The teen years are tricky territory both for the teenager themselves as well as their parents. Severe hormonal shifts and other drastic physiological changes combined with the fact that you are a child who is trying to become an adult, yet you still cling to certain childish ways.  This can be confusing and bewildering for both the you and your parents. You want to be treated like an adult but still tend to exhibit tantrums and other immature behavior.  The most common response is a bold ‘I hate you!’ or similar sentiments that may tend to become familiar phrases you direct toward others...Especially the ones who you know with the greatest certainty love you the most. 

Recognize It and Understand That This Is All Part of the Growing Process

Peer pressures, school pressures and other new responsibilities can act like a heavy lid on an already boiling pot of internal physical and mental issues. There are going to be explosions. Parents immediately begin to blame themselves for somehow failing to properly direct you, and they are severely hurt by your irrational behavior.  At age, 16 I recall standing in my parents kitchen and telling two people who I know would lay down their life for me and had given me every amount of love and care that they could, that they could "Go to hell".  To this day, at age 42 it is still an embarrassment to me.  So many years later, I have no idea why I did it.  My feelings were real to me, but my reaction was completely hateful, and hurt my mother the most.  For two weeks, my mother refused to speak to me, until I relented and begged her forgiveness, which she freely gave.  Oddly, she never responded in anger or lashed out at me. She was simply hurt and processed it internally, while my selfish pride made her endure it for far too many days. 

When You Find Yourself Involved in a Negative Outburst

Oftentimes as a teen the young man or woman is not even completely certain as to why they are upset. In most circumstances the anger is directed at the most convenient and obvious target... The Parents.  Sure, at that moment you believe that you have what to you is are very clear reasons for your angst and anger, which you spill out like a frothing volcano, spewing wave after wave of imagined or real complaints and other verbal assaults. Parents who do not understand your behavior can be expected to blow as well, making every effort to maintain their parental authority.  When you recognize what you are doing...STOP! and remain calm.  Gather your thoughts and do not attempt to express them until you can do so in a calm and adult manner.  If you realize you made a horrible mistake, do not wait like I did to make it right.  Say you are sorry for your actions, then by all means state your concerns, complaints, and frustrations in a manner than demonstrates you are maturing.

Take a Break And Calm Down

How can both the parent and the teen deal with temper flare-ups? Here are some basic stress-busters that can work for any generation. The best thing for both parties to do when there is a flare-up is to walk away and allow each other a cooling off period. Time outs are not just for small children. They work equally well for adults and budding adults. Once each side is feeling sufficiently reasonable(which can take hours or in some cases days and weeks) meet again to discuss whatever issue has arisen. There is usually more than teenage hormonal surges at work and you will benefit from a calm discussion not only to help you sort through your thoughts and feelings but also by having much calmer parents example to follow.   If ‘I hate you’ or other problems re-arise at this point, you and the parent should take another break.

You Are Not Alone And This Too Shall Pass

It is a normal part of growing up to have teenage outbursts and to lash out, especially at your parents.  At age 15 I was providing the outburst. As a parent, I have also endured this wrath.  My response was not always correct and in line with my own advice. Instead choosing to argue and correct.  I understand that my patience is going to be tested on all fronts, and I remember that in the end , this is still my beloved child and there is essentially no amount of hateful words that will change that.  Does it hurt us as parents?  Absolutely, there is nothing more painful to a loving parent.   There is every reason to believe that what is happening now is a temporary phase, even if it turns out to be several years’ worth of temporary. Many families over the years have survived this same phenomenon, so the odds are good that both you and your parents can, too. There is every reason to believe that someday you will become a more adult child with whom a parent can interact with on a mature level.  In the meantime, recognize when your anger and teenage hormones take over and guard against words and actions that could result in long term damage to meaningful relationships and hurt to the ones who care about you most.