Sometimes, it appears that just about everyone lies. No one seems immune from deception or deliberately misleading others. Not top executives. Not actors. Not scientists. Certainly not politicians. Not even presidents.
Nevertheless, just because lying is so commonplace, one should not assume it is acceptable behavior. In the overwhelming majority of cases, it is misleading and wrong. Almost always, it has negative consequences.
Of course, there are different types of lies. Some, known as “white lies,” are relatively benign. While they clearly impart incorrect information, they do not harm. You might compliment a friend’s haircut or new outfit, when you really don't not like them. Or you may tell your grandmother how young and vital she looks, when it is known that she does not feel that way. A teen might tell a friend that he is going to the library, when he is actually going shopping for a gift for him. Other lies are far more worrisome. A teen could notify her teacher that she left her homework at home when, in fact, she never did it. Or a guy might tell his mother that he is studying with a friend, when he has not opened a book. An adolescent cheats on a test. Or a teen grossly misrepresents something he/she did.
And there are lies that involve outright illegal activity. This might include plagiarizing a term paper. A teen who shoplifts or steals from their parents wallet and then denies having any knowledge of the event poses a serious situation. Or, a teen could have damaged someone’s car and then maintain that she was not involved. All of these may cause serious problems for the teens.
Why do people lie? There are a number of reasons. A teenager might lie to avoid parental disapproval. Parents like to hear that their children are spending their after school hours in productive activities. They prefer that they study, work or participate in sports. They do not want to learn that their child is hanging out at a street corner, possibly getting into some form of trouble. So when parents inquire about after school hours, teens often answer what they know their parents would prefer to hear.
Similarly, parents do not want their teens smoking and drinking. So teens that engage in such behaviors might lie about them to their parents. And parents do not want their teens to be sexually active. They know that sexual activity places them at risk for a whole host of problems. It is, therefore, not uncommon for female teens to lie about sexually activity. Some teens fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. They find that it enables them to deal with the demands of their parents, teachers, and friends. Over time, lying becomes a learned pattern of behavior, a habit. They will lie without thinking twice about what they are doing.
Since parents are important role models, teens may learn to lie from them. Teens who hear their parents constantly lying—even about insignificant matters—will tend to lie with relative ease.
People who frequently lie tend to be manipulating, controlling and overly concerned about how they are perceived by others. But others, such as those who are extroverted and sociable, may also lie.
Similarly, there are people who are less likely to lie. Among those are individuals who score higher on psychological scales of responsibility and those with meaningful same-sex friendships. Interestingly, people who are depressed tend not to lie.
Often, it is not easy to determine when someone is lying. Even a polygraph, or lie-detecting machine, may be fooled. For a polygraph is designed to detect fear, not lying. And dishonesty may or may not be accompanied by an elevated heart rate, increased respiration and sweating. Thus, people who are comfortable with lying may pass a polygraph. On the other hand, an innocent person, who is scared by the polygraph examination environment, may fail the test simply from fear.
There are other ways to detect lies. People who are lying may exhibit hesitations in their speech or changes in their vocal pitch. They may also scratch, blink or fidget. In their speech and writing, liars may be predisposed to use fewer first-person words such as “I” or “my,” and they include less emotional words (hurt, angry), cognitive words (understand, realize) or exclusive words (but, without—words that distinguish between what is included and what isn’t).
While they continue to lie, most liars have at least some feelings of unease about their behavior. They probably realize that solid relationships cannot be based on distorted truths and deceptions. This may explain why people are more likely to lie over the phone, with it’s increased anonymity, than in person.
Though it may be tempting to lie, when caught in a lie, the individual will lose credibility, and hurt themselves and others. Their parents and others may be terribly upset. They will feel that they cannot trust the teen. And, to be quite frank, they can’t. The teen has been proven to be untrustworthy. How will they be able to believe what the teen says in the future? By lying, one has placed a terrible strain on the relationship.
It might be unreasonable to expect teens to always tell the truth. Even the most honest teen may sometimes feel compelled to tell a benign lie. But if a teen finds that he or she is repeatedly lying, they may want to speak with a responsible adult. Some teens who have a relatively good relationship with their parents can discuss these concerns with them. If not, these teens might ask for some time with the school counselor or social worker. Teens who have a problem with lying should try to nip this problem before it becomes commonplace. Talking with an adult may help you to understand the destructiveness of such behaviors. An adult may review why you feel the need to lie. Participation in some activity that causes feelings of shame may cause a teen to lie. Maybe the adult will be able show the you that there is no reason to lie about what you are doing? Or perhaps that person can help you devise ways to stop this behavior. In any case, teens who feel they have a problem with lying should try to reach out to an appropriate adult and receive the assistance that they require.
