Homilies, Proverbs, Parables, Adages, and Sayings of My Mother
My mother Mrs. Lena (Rushing) Godwin, drew upon the rich culture and oral history of the rural people in South Alabama and Walton/Holmes County in an area known as The Valley. Her families sayings originated from the collective wisdom of their people. This people and tradition expressed meanings, feelings, and thoughts in an oral fashion, using things known to them in their environment to instruct.
This was a powerful training and learning device. Through the use of vivid and colorful examples, understanding was transferred to children. The important social requisites, ethical principles, and moral imperatives were easier to memorize. Parents painted a word picture to provide a lasting mental image. This portrait was available for recall at any time. These have proven helpful in the decision-making process. With these sayings to guide them, children have avoided pitfalls and found ladders to crawl out of the pitfalls.
My brother and I could see a flock of birds and hear, “Birds of a feather flock together” . We knew from natural observation of nature that birds “kept company with their kind.” We never saw eagles with buzzards. It served the same purpose as when parents said, “If you accompany druggies, then folks assume you are a druggie.” The homilies gave us immediate guidance when we were selecting companions. They were designed to allow children to hear their parents’ voices at critical moments. They gave us a handrail to hold onto when we were in slippery places.
As a teenager, I heard my father’s voice and saw my mother’s peach tree switch before me as I contemplated an action. I almost swore an oath that I would not be like these old people who were responsible for my rearing. In my testosterone-induced opinion, they were out-of-touch, old-fashioned, and prudish. I concluded that they wanted to suck the joy out of life. I held onto this notion until I left for the Army, returned home after training and at 19, went to work for the Florida Corrections System, later got married, and had children of my own. My esteem for my parents is now only surpassed by my awe for God. I now find myself sounding like “them old people” in conversations at home and work. I continually use their word pictures to reinforce and punctuate a point. I constantly refer to my mother when making a point about how we should treat customers and people in general.
I hope you enjoy this list of adages, saying and proverbs and that you will add to it your own collection for your posterity. Please share them!
About Reaching Your Goals
The early bird catches the worm. You must arrive ahead of those you are competing with and take advantage of every opportunity. In competition, do everything to place yourself in the best position to succeed. If you are applying for a job you must have a game plan. You must know the specific job duties. You must know how your strengths and weaknesses match and complement. You must get information on the employer. You must know your subject, and you must know your competition. The work up front pays dividends. If you get to a sale late, everyone will have picked over the best items and all you have is leftovers, the dregs. The lazy man without ambition will always work for the smart, aggressive person. When you get there first, everything is fresh, and you get the chance to make the best first impression. My Mom and Dad were and now are never late for anything. Being late communicates that the person, meeting or issue is not meaningful to you.
You got to get up early and stay late to get ahead. Put in the time and effort to succeed, and pay your dues. If you are going to get ahead and stay ahead of the competition, you can’t be sleeping while they are working. Burning the midnight oil and going the extra mile are required. The successful person has the attitude that, “There is no giving up in me.”
It is always darkest before the dawn. Even when things seem most bleak, never give in and up. Hold on, and help will arrive. Do not give up, especially when the despair and trouble are the most severe. At that moment you will see the sun rising—and it will. Your change will come; keep heart and hold onto your faith. There will always be a way of escape and assistance for you to bear it.
You can’t burn the candle at both ends. Even iron rusts. You look like something the cat drugged in. We all have only a limited amount of energy. Trying to do it all will be obvious by your outward appearance. We must rest, take care of our minds and bodies, and take heed what we ingest. If you are constantly running from pillow to post and not taking time for self and the significant people in your life, they will tire of you as you tire. If you fall apart, all your important relationships will fall apart, too. To give nurture, you must be nurtured. What value is it to win the whole world and lose your soul, your health, and your family? Stop, slow down, unclutter, uncomplicate your life, and smell the coffee and the roses.
Like a duck after a June bug. I will be on you like white on rice. These sayings referred to constant and continuous single-minded movement toward a goal. If you’ve ever watched the diligence and persistence of a duck swimming after bugs, trying to eke out a meal, you know that the duck is serious and focused, with all its energy committed and no distractions. There are times when pursuit of a goal should be this intense and single-minded, when we should be totally committed to a venture and to success. And how inseparable is rice from its color? This is a closeness that is beyond intense. When my parents said this, they meant they were going to be on us about something so we could not get them off. Sometimes it was a warning that their fury would cover and blanket us, so we better make a wise decision.
The squeaky wheel always gets the grease. You better speak up! Silence is golden in most situations, but there are times when you have to speak up and advocate for yourself. If you will not speak on your own behalf, then why should anyone else? Be bold when the time calls for it.
It is not the size of the dog in the fight, it is the size of the fight in the dog. Don’t take kindness for weakness. Never be a boaster. Don’t let your ego precede you. It is all right to be meek and humble, and remember that meekness does not mean weakness. It is power under control. It is always to your advantage to be underestimated. You have power there when you need it, and only you are aware of what you possess.
A watched pot never boils. Be patient. Many things cannot be rushed. As is said in the wine industry, “No wine before it’s time.” Some things work out in their own time, so being impatient and constantly checking will just make things seem longer. If you must wait for something to happen, take your mind off the waiting by doing something else.
About Taking Responsibility
Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Never be so intent on revenge that you do not count the cost to you and yours. Screwing up your life is not worth it to get payback. For example, don’t get mad over a trivial slight and quit your job without another job to go to. Never make decisions in haste.
A stitch in time saves nine. Haste makes waste. Be proactive and focus on preventing problems. Be careful how you use time, and approach projects with an abundance of caution, moving with all deliberate speed. Never put off what should be done today, because tomorrow is not promised. Change your oil at 3000 miles, but remember to replace the plug.
Don’t let the right hand know what the left hand is doing. There are times when you should keep your own counsel. Never share you business and secrets causally, for you may hear them again. Don’t tell anyone anything that you can’t stand to see on the front page of the newspaper. We must learn to be satisfied with only God and one’s self knowing what we have done.
Never take a wooden nickel. Everything that glitters is not gold. You cannot judge a book by its cover. Don’t buy a pig in a poke. Beauty is only skin deep. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This is a series of admonitions that require you to do your research. Don’t be shallow and just be satisfied with the superficial. Many times in haste we accept that which looks good, smells good, and appears to be the best, but in the final conclusion we either got more or less than what we wanted and expected. When you are making a life-changing, irreversible decision for a lifetime, be deliberate and thoughtful; dig into the heart of the matter. Never buy a used car without driving it just because the paint job looks good. Never accept just one opinion when you have so much on the line. Learn to question everything and make “why,” “show me,” and “no” your best friends. Examine all things that are supposed to add value to your life.
Your word is your bond, and your good name is all you really have in this world. Our parents said they gave us the best they had, and that was a “good name.” This applied to many aspects of their lives, including their finances. Many purchases were made without cash and with just the promise that our parents would pay.
Whatever you do in life, do it with discretion. Character is what you do in the dark, when no one is looking. Put your best foot forward. These admonitions were aimed at the elimination of rash behavior and to remind us that there is always someone looking. Discretion is the better part of valor. Caution is preferable to rash bravery. Don’t take unnecessary risks. Remember that everything done in the dark may eventually come into the light. Don’t do anything that you will be ashamed of and that is against your moral principles. It will save you a great deal of grief, sleepless nights, worry, anxiety, and guilt.
Honesty is the best policy. Even though we were punished as children, mercy was extended if we were honest and told the truth. A liar was up there with a thief and a murderer. It frees the mind to tell the truth. When you are dishonest, you have to remember too much and devise too many schemes to cover up the indiscretion. Tell the truth, be honest, “fess up,” and this will put the event behind you.
You made your bed. Now you got to lay in it. All decisions have consequences that are the responsibility of the one making the choices. Even when we have the best intentions and do everything right, unintended consequences and collateral damage can result. Once you commit to a course, you have to see it through. Life is about finishing, not quitting. Sometimes the best lesson and the greatest growth come from adverse situations. It is just too easy to get a divorce, declare bankruptcy, or give up. You have an obligation to give it your best and not wimp out (as long as the effort is not threatening to life or health). You created this reality and now you must work through it. If divorce cannot be prevented, see and support your kids; pay child support. If bankruptcy is necessary, see that everyone gets paid eventually.
Boy, you don’t have the sense you were born with. Are you suffering from terminal stupidity? You have been in the sun too long. Why are you grinning like a Chessie (Cheshire) cat? When you have made and continue to make ill-advised decision, your sanity and common sense are challenged. What is wrong with you? Have you forgotten how to think? When things have gone wrong and are going to hell in a hand basket, your reaction should be consistent with what is happening.
Don’t cry over spilled milk. It’s water under the bridge. We heard these comments when it was time to let something go and move on. Don’t be plagued by yesterday, pining over what could have been. Learn to live in the present. I know people whose lives ended with an event that they cannot get past. The phrase, “What I could have been, if . . . ” will rob you of the energy you need for today. Today we would say, “Get over it.” For example, if your parents did not love you, that does not give you license to hurt others. The milk is gone, and new opportunities must be appropriated. The tide has washed it away, and it will not return.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Make new friends but keep the old. Don’t change for the sake of change. Old is not always bad. Change is inevitable as we continue to live and the world moves forward, but be careful about the things you embrace and the things you discard. Hold onto that which is good, and discard that which is no longer useful. And remember where you placed those things that fell into disuse; you may need them again, like old friends. Remember, some of the things we discarded yesterday are called antiques today and are appraised at many times what we originally paid for them.
I’ll drink muddy water and sleep in a hollow log. This means you will not do something for any price, because you would not respect yourself at the end of the day if you did. This is one way to reject an act that is objectionable or below your dignity, even if it means forgoing the promised reward. You should establish the point where dignity requires you to take a stand and put it all on the line. Know where you will draw the line in the sand.
About Learning
Put your brains in a buzzard and he’ll fly backward. Right thinking is always expected. If you make a mistake in judgment and create an unfortunate situation when you should have known better, you do not have the intelligence of a carrion eater. This speaks to your limitations and what the speaker thinks of your judgment.
You don’t know how to bell a buzzard. It’s all about logic and common sense. Everyone knows that in order to put a bell around a buzzard’s neck, you have to first catch the bird. Using logic is superior to the “SWAG” method—a Scientific Wild Ass Guess.
If you line up all the people in the world with college degrees on one side and those without on the otherside, there would be some dummies on both sides. Although formal education was encouraged, hard work and common sense ruled the day.
Bought learning, knowledge, sense is the best kind. My mother called it “bought” learning or knowledge or sense when you paid for it in blood, sweat, or tears. Sometimes all three were present at the learning session. Once the price was paid and you acquired the learning, the wisdom was very dear and never forgotten. Even better was to profit from the “bought learning” of another consumer. It is not necessary for you to personally experience every situation and circumstance.
Boy, if you don’t get an education, you will work with an ignorant stick the rest of your life. My daddy called the shovel the “ignorant stick.” The unprepared welded the “stick.” Without an education you are destined to be in the ditch, at hard labor, never above the ditch supervising the job and the crew, nor in the truck owning the company. In my home everyone is obligated to try college. They must go and, after attending, they can decide if it is for them or not. The decision of “no college” cannot be made without first going. The only reason to avoid making the attempt is death, with an outstanding funeral. Both of my children know this!
You have to take baby steps. You have to crawl before you can walk. Be patient in learning new things; it takes time. Hurrying can lead to disaster. A prime example is kids today immediately want what it took their parents thirty years to accumulate; therefore, they are up to their necks in retail and credit card debt. Then they pay the price for haste as they approach the age when a good credit rating is necessary to qualify for a home. They wanted to walk too quickly. Another graphic example is You went at that like gutting a dog. I never saw a dog gutted, but it sounded too fast and too messy, so the point was made.
Put your mind in gear before you put your mouth in motion. Shut your mouth and open up your ears. Think before you speak and learn to be a good listener. The tongue is the most destructive organ of the body. It has accounted for more deaths than all the wars ever waged. There is no anti-venom for the poison inflicted by the tongue. Learn to be slow to speak and quick to listen. We are given two ears and only one mouth; let the mouth rest and get greater use out of those ears.
Let sleeping dogs lie. You cannot predict the dog’s temperament or how the dog will react when aroused. Just ask the enemies of America in World War II. Be careful who and what you disturb. Learn to forget and move ahead. Learn when and how to leave things alone. Don’t court disaster, because you don’t know how it will turn out.
You’re barking up the wrong tree. A hunting dog will chase his prey until he has treed it. The dog then barks to tell the hunters where the prey is. Sometimes, the dog gets confused and barks at a tree where no quarry is hiding. I heard this adage when I was making a mistake or making a wrong assumption or looking in the wrong place for achievement.
You think I got eyes in the back of my head? You cannot expect a person or parent to know everything and have the answer to every problem. Parents are not all-seeing or clairvoyant, except when they want you to believe so. Many times when I was growing up, this comment was a way to avoid answering a hard or stupid question.
Boy, you cannot tell s--t from Shinola. Shinola was a brand of shoe polish, so this adage suggested you were having trouble with discernment. You have to be able to tell the difference between friend and foe, between wise ideas and foolish ones. You need good common sense and logical reasoning to be successful and to stay out of tight spots. Many young persons develop an Einstein complex; they become self-absorbed and self-centered, and their vocabulary is replete with “mine,” “me,” and “I.” The head is so swollen it cannot get inside a normal hat. A comment like this will remind you that the sun doesn’t rise and set in your back pocket, and you’ve still got a lot to learn. A well-grounded and well-rounded, intelligent and learned person selects his shoe polish carefully and has a discerning nose.
About Objectionable Behavior – And Its Consequences
You’re beating a dead horse. It meant that my request and my line of conversation had been resolved by her “No.” Any further attempt to continue the discussion was futile, and the dead horse wouldn’t be the only one getting a beating. It was time to “fold them and run.”
You must think I was born yesterday. You must think I have a hole in my head. I was born at night, but not last night. Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining. I know disrespect and disregard when I see it. Don’t insult me by thinking that I don’t have sense to see through what you are attempting to do. Don’t think I don’t understand what you said. Do not insult my intelligence. When you bring me an excuse or try to run a “con” on me, give me some credit for my experience. I may have tried this same trick when I was your age and in your position. Parents are not neophytes; they come with history and a great deal of prior mistakes, known as “bought learning.” They did not just fall off the turnip truck.
Remember the boy who cried wolf. In the old story, the boy calls the residents of the city to him many times saying the wolf had come, but it was a joke. When the wolf did show up, the boy needed help but no one came. Treat your responsibilities with the seriousness they deserve, and don’t expend resources needlessly. Never be a liar and complainer. If you are, then when you really need someone’s assistance, no one will take you seriously or trust you. You will find yourself friendless and defenseless. Don’t use up your chit on frivolous issues.
Don’t you play with me—I don’t even play my radio. This was a warning that the business to be transacted was serious. All joking was put aside and we were to give our full attention to the matter. Mama told us what to do, and we needed to carry out her instruction to the letter of the law, with all deliberate speed, commencing immediately. If we did not act immediately and appropriately, the consequences were sudden and without compassion. Failure to comply was playing with Mama, treating here like a playmate. And we knew she was serious when she said this, because she loved her radio.
When hell freezes over. Not until pigs fly. Over my dead body. If one wanted to put an indefinite time limit on the possibility of an event, to reinforce an emphatic “no,” or to predict the odds of something happening, these are the appropriate phrases. “Mama, can I get me a motorcycle?” “Yes, when hell freezes over.” That idea was DOA: dead on arrival. Forget it!
Boy, you are going to wake up dead somewhere. This was a warning when you adopted a reckless lifestyle. The message was that you and your life are out of control and it is leading to dire consequences. Long life is one of the rewards of honoring and obeying your parents. Parents are often the first to see if a child is on the road to self-destruction. This warning also applied if you struck your parent. These old people never let you bite the hand that feeds you but once.
You don’t believe that fat meat is greasy. You don’t think fire will burn. Talking to you is like talking to that wall. If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. These are comments about people who are extremely hard headed, stubborn, and cynical. They just will not take advice or heed a warning. They will not believe anyone or anything, even if they see it themselves. No matter what you say to them and how hard you try to forewarn them about the lion that lays in wait for them down the trail, they will not change their direction. They believe they are invincible. They just cannot take your word for it. They have just got to see for themselves. This sometimes leads to fatal vision.
A hard head makes a soft behind. You are going to wear a lot of whippings if you do not comply. Most every kid I grew up with had boundaries, rules, and responsibilities. I was disobedient but never disrespectful. I was always forewarned, and the consequences were explicit. I just had to tempt fate and gamble, and most times I lost. I was whipped. This metaphor comes from the act of tenderizing meat by beating it with a mallet. If I continued to be hard headed and not comply, my rear seat would resemble a piece of beaten meat.
Boy, I will beat you until your tail ropes like okra. Ever saw okra cooking and seen how it slimes and stretches out, covering everything, you have the image of how you would look after that beating. I could see tears, sweat, snot, boogers, blood, and brains running down my face and over everywhere. That was an ugly vision, and I straightened up.
I will knock you into next week. I believed that my mother had the ability to hit you so hard that she could knock you out for days. She could beat you until you passed out, and I did not want to tempt her.
Boy, don’t look at me in that tone of voice. Don’t you cut your eyes at me. Reckless eyeballing was a capital offense. My parents expected us to look them in the face. They were clairvoyant, they were mind readers, they had ESP. It was as if they knew exactly what we were thinking and what we wanted to say and do. The eyes are the windows to the soul and the vista to the world, telling our most intimate secrets. We were not smart enough to discern that our parents had been kids themselves and had walked in our shoes before. They had the same thoughts when their parents admonished or punished them. I have learned that being a parent is more about experience and remembering, trial and error. Parenting is not rocket science, just eternally important.
Don’t get too big for your britches. Don’t let your mouth write a check your behind cannot cash. Don’t let your mouth overload your behind. We always need to be careful what we say, when we say it, how we say it, and to whom we say it. In my day, children were to be seen and not heard. There could be only two grown people and decision makers in the household, and they had “Mr.” and “Mrs.” before their names.
I will give you a beating grandma-washing powder cannot take off. I never saw a brand of detergent named grandma-washing powder, but I was led to believe that it was powerful stuff. More powerful than Tide, Cheer, and Fab combined. It could tackle any washday problem and lick it, but this beating I was going to get would be so bad that the stains would be beyond the reach of this hard-working soap powder. This was a whipping to be avoided at all costs.
Boy, I will kill you quicker than anything in the drugstore. Boy, don’t you try me. Boy, I’ll beat you like you stole something. There is a lot of poison in a drugstore and drug overdoses are common, but my mama’s vengeance was swifter and more certain than what was stocked on the shelves. There is a little poison in every medication and no side effects. But the side effect of violating the Lena code was a “death” that was swift and certain, not without pain and a lecture.
I brought you here and I can take you away. I can make another like you. I was convinced that my parents could kill me for an offense and no one would care. They were the supreme presence in my life. I was never afraid of the police, because they could not do half of what my parents could do. I did not have to live with them. Disobedience could cause you to wake up dead somewhere.
I will beat you within an inch of your life. My mother had a tremendous sense of distance. I was amazed how she stopped beating me when I was an inch from expiring. I only got a few of those type beatings. This was the kind of beating we got for putting the family business in the street or when we were being beaten for old and new infractions. They were social-worker-come-to-the-house beatings. One of the children once threatened to “call the welfare people.” Mama replied, “I will grab the social worker by the ankles and use her to beat you.”
It hurts me more than it hurts you. I remember my parents used this phrase more than once when they were disciplining my sisters or me. I would think, “If it hurts them so much, why don’t they stop beating us and throw away the tools of discipline? Why punish us if it is painful?” I grew up thinking that my parents were masochist, because they enjoyed the pain they suffered from the discipline imposed, and that they harbored latent sadistic tendencies, because they chose to punish us even though it was painful to them. What a case for old Sigmund—the co-existence of these two competing impulses in their minds! This is a phenomenon that can only be understood and appreciated when you have your own children. You want to do so much for them and make life better for them than it was for you. You have the resources to indulge them, but you know it will send the wrong message. You hold back, and they feel you are sucking all the joy out of life. This is true pain. Suddenly, this sense of kinship with your parents emerges, and if they are alive, they deserve an obligatory call of apology for your thinking they were mentally deranged.
About Home and Family
An apple does not fall far from the tree. What you do, how you do it, and who you do it with are a direct reflection of how you were raised, what your parents stressed, and how well you learned the lessons. Your life is a mirror image of your socialization. If your parents lived and taught honesty, there is a very good chance that their offspring will be honest. We seldom move too far away from what we are taught.
Sometimes you have to divorce family. Wear them like a loose garment, and feed them with a long-handled spoon. In all families there are in-laws, out-laws, and skeletons. You have no choice about your family. If you have bad friends, shame on you; you had a choice, and there is no rule that says you have to keep a crazy friend. But with family members who you would otherwise not choose, you may have to give them visiting rights, lend them money so they will avoid you, meet them on neutral ground, and use mail to keep in touch. Keep long distances between you if possible. Love and respect them as children of God, and provide them help in times of need, but this may be the extent of interactions under which you can be peaceable.
One monkey does not stop the show. Who made you king? Who died and left you in charge? Park your ego outside and humble yourself for the good of the family unit. You are not the center of the universe. We all need to work as a team to insure that all reach their potential. Make the appropriate sacrifices for the good of the order. If one hurts, we all hurt. If one is successful, we all glory in that accomplishment. We must strive to be selfless and make room for others. The world will go on after you are gone, so don’t over-value yourself.
About Needs and Wants and Counting Your Blessings
You are old enough for your wants not to hurt you. My parents were responsible for meeting our needs, not our wants and desires. They would gladly meet desires if you had a miracle up your sleeve—if you could “cry blood” in an effort to convince them that your request was worthy of their consideration. In the event that you were short on hocus-pocus, they were certain you would eventually get over it. We learned not to cry for things that were outside their economic reach. Crying never moved our parents unless it was tied to an illness or injury. Otherwise tears just meant a few less flushes of the toilet (the more you cried the less you urinated, saving paper, water, and wear and tear on the toilet.)
There will always be others who are worse off then you are, so be thankful. Don’t judge and prejudge people. Your never know the burdens they have to carry. Learn to be content with and appreciate what you have. “You cannot plow a straight row if you are always trying to check on what someone else is doing.”
A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. These sayings were used to help us appreciate and value what we have. It is good to anticipate, but do not place too much confidence in what may happen. Think of the cows and horses in a field full of green pasture going up to the fence line and sticking their heads through the fence to eat that grass. We are many times like these animals; we think the pasture is always greener on the other side, but most of the time it is not. We simply trade a known misery that we have learned to cope with, for a set of unknown trials and tribulations. I don’t know how many times I have heard the lamentation, “If I only knew . . .” Always count the costs before you leap “from the frying pan into the fire.” Tomorrow is not promised, and we need to effectively and efficiently get all we can out of today.
Do you think money grows on trees? It’s like getting blood from a turnip. Skinning a flea for its hide. A penny saved is a penny earned. Penny wise and pound foolish. A fool and his money are soon parted. All of these sayings are about being frugal and thrifty. Money is hard to come by and difficult to keep. Be careful about unrealistic expectations and learn to be satisfied with what you have. Many things are outside your parents’ reach. Respect your parents by not taking advantage and asking for what you don’t need or for what you can do for yourself. Be good stewards of your resources and those of others. We have a finite amount of time and a limited amount of resources, and we must invest them strategically. Look out for your parents’ money just like you would your own. This is a good lesson for college students. Don’t misuse and abuse your parents and the resources they are giving you for college. Avoid schemes that promise a quick profit. A thinking man would ask: Why did they share this idea with me? And if it was that easy, why aren’t they filthy rich?
You don’t have a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out. This is an evaluation of a person’s financial and material standing in the world. You have to get your resources together before you can realize your dreams. My son once declared he was going to run away from home, and my wife said, “You can only take what you bought.” He then replied, “I would have to leave naked.” After some reflection he decided to continue with us for a few more seasons. He realized he was po’ and could not even access his savings account without one of his parents. Before you leave home, determine if you can afford a pot and maybe an apartment with a window. As long as you are relying on your parents, you truly are without a pot to call your own.
About Relationships and Associations
Play with a puppy and he will lick you in the mouth. Don’t be surprised or dismayed by the behavior of others if you know their characteristics. A puppy plays and licks you; that is in the job description of a puppy. Similarly, thieves steal, murderers murder, and liars lie. If a person has been divorced once, the second divorce is easier. If you marry the person you were creeping with after the divorce, do not be surprised if they continue to creep on you. Be careful what you use to build your foundation. Always use what you know when you make decisions.
Birds of a feather flock together. You lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas. It is impossible to spend time with people and not be influenced by them, to take on some of their characteristics and habits. Everyone knows who you associate with by the fruit you bear. If a dog has fleas, all who run with him will have fleas, too. We are and should be judged by the company we keep. In nature, robins keep company with robins, buzzards with buzzards, and eagles with eagles. If you value your reputation, keep company with those who possess sterling characteristics and attributes. If you hang with gossipers, it is assumed that you are a gossip. If you frequent pubs, others will think you like to imbibe. Your associations will always measure you in society’s eyes.
Judge yourself by the enemies you make. Your character may be better judged by who is angry with you. If you stand for right, then your enemies will stand with wrong. If you stand for fairness, then your opposition embraces unfairness. If people who hold views that are 180 degrees from yours start saying good things about you and befriending you, beware. Either they are out to compromise you, or you need to reassess your position on key issues.
A leopard cannot change his spots. It is hard, and many times impossible, for people to change. It is like that story of the man who rescued the snake from drowning and freezing to death. When the snake got well, he bit the man. The man asked, “Why?” The snake replied, “That is what snakes do.” Don’t marry a man or woman thinking you are going to change him or her. What you see is what you are going to get. For example, if he or she has a hard time maintaining employment before marriage, then chances are that this pattern will persist.
About People You Don’t Want to Be Like
If you will tell a lie you will steal, and if you will steal you will kill. Most people steal what they want, not what they need. We were raised to despise a theft. Thieves always steal from the weak and from those who could least afford to lose. A thief was a very dangerous individual because of what he would do to cover his tracks and avoid discovery.
He has a short fuse. He is a walking time bomb, beware. These individuals were ill-mannered and had a low frustration level. There was just no telling what would set them off at any time and without warning. We said they had quick tempers. Knowing this bit of information helped us know how to conduct ourselves when dealing with these individuals.
He is eaten up with sorry. This adage describes the laziest and most trifling person on earth. It is the ultimate definition of lazy. This person would suffocate if breathing were not involuntary. He is devoid of initiative and interest in any enterprise—good for nothing. The picture is of a person who looks like a piece of wood eaten up by termites or a wormy apple. This person is useless and hurts the morale of the hard workers. He is never on time and never finishes anything. He is not worth a bullet and the powder to shoot him. He is sorry through and through.
About Justice
It will all come out in the wash. The truth and real reasons concerning a problem will naturally emerge as it is processed. Washing removes all that is hidden and reveals whether something is dyed or colorfast. The key is not to worry and fret because we do not know immediately all the sides of an issue. For example, you may not know the real reason why you were denied a promotion, but it will eventually be revealed. We will come to know bye and bye. Don’t worry. Be happy. It will turn out well in the end.
Sticks and stones may break your bones but talk can never hurt you. When you are talking about me you are giving some po’ soul a rest. Take it with a grain of salt. These phrases help to put things in perspective. We were never to be concerned about or overreact to what someone said about us if it was not true. There was absolutely no reason to fight and get in dire straits because of words. People should not be able to control you and cause you to act irresponsible by the use of hurtful words. This did not mean that the words did not hurt, but our reaction should be nonviolent. We were told, “They talked about Jesus. Why are you special?”
What comes around goes around, just like a belt that must be buckled in the front. What goes up must come down. We will get to see wrong righted. If we are patient, we will see the plotter caught in his or her own web. Believe in justice and know that we all must pay if we are bad, and we will be rewarded if we are good. Also know that we will have a second chance to make it right, to be treated right. Whatever you do in life or do to others will come back to you via “reaping and sowing.”
You have a right to defend yourself. My parents despised bullies but gave us license to defend ourselves against attack. You couldn’t initiate fights, nor could you stand around and allow someone to be taken advantage of by a double team. I don’t like zero tolerance for fighting in school, because there are times when it is necessary. I believe each incident needs to be judged on its merit.
You don’t beat a dead dog. There will be times in your life when you just cannot understand why you are being assailed. You will find that “your good is evil spoken of”—that you are the object of rumors, and people are doing mean-spirited things to you without provocation. This usually means you are a threat or potential challenge to someone’s power or position, at least in their minds. This sometimes is a backhanded compliment. If you did not have some potential, they would ignore you like a dead dog.
You better bring your lunch. You might say this to someone else to let them know the degree of resistance they will face if they threaten you. They are about to face a long struggle, and it will take more than their breakfast meal to supply the energy to survive your efforts. Trying to beat you will be an all day job.
About How to Treat Others
Don’t burn your bridges as you cross them; you may need to use them on your way back across the water. You never know who will and can help you—or who you might be working for someday—so treat everyone with dignity, humility, and respect. Remember who helped you get to the top. There are no self-made men. Develop an attitude of gratitude and look for the source of your blessings.
When people do you wrong, don’t worry about it, because “every dog has his day and a bulldog has a week.” We have enough to answer for just through living. So why complicate what you have to pay by being mean-spirited and hurtful toward people when it is not necessary? Do not cultivate an attitude of violence, hatred, and malice toward others. Bulldogs are characterized as vicious, attacking people and their own kind without provocation. This should not be our demeanor. We should have the attitude and behavior that will position us to be on the Wheaties cereal box, deserving “the breakfast of champions.”
A closed fist may keep what it has in it, but nothing else can get inside. Life is about sharing and making a difference in the lives of others and yourself. Always be willing to help others and share what you have. We are not in this by ourselves. Be ever ready to lend assistance to those in need. It is better to give than to receive.
Always respect your elders. Everyone, king or pauper, deserves the time of day, to be granted the common courteousness of “good morning,” “please,” and “thank you.” When I was growing up, we never disrespected or disputed with an older person. They had earned our respect due to their perseverance and determination to survive life in an unfair world.
Never look a gift horse in the mouth. When you are presented a gift, you have the option to accept or reject it. However, once you accept it, you are obliged to take it home and deal with it as is. Don’t examine the gift in the presence of the giver and make disparaging remarks. Keep your opinions to yourself. This is particularly true for wedding gifts and when receiving food at the time of a death in the family. Receive all gifts with appropriate appreciation.
The pot cannot call the kettle black. We are all in this together. No one is superior to or better than anyone else. In my childhood, we were all po’ no matter what white person we worked for. We were taught that we were not better than anyone, nor less than anyone, but on the same level as everyone. We should not point fingers and unjustly criticize anyone. We are all in the same boat.
Never take advantage of a person just because you have the upper hand. When you have power, don’t treat people the way your were treated when you had no power and complained, asking for relief. If you do, you are a hypocrite. Protect the weak and try to be in the right, even if you are in the minority and it is not popular.
More power to you. Maturity is when you can revel in the success and good fortune of others. Get beyond envy and selfishness to say, “You did it your way, and I am pleased for you.” Learn to say “Go girl” and “That the way to go man” with great conviction and sincerity. Remember you don’t have to blow out somebody else’s candle for your light to shine. Both of you can be in the sunshine together. Look for every opportunity to encourage and support others, especially your children.
Give roses when they can smell them. Do not wait until the funeral to tell a person how much he means to you. Tell him when he can still hear and appreciate the compliment. A “thank you” can add days to a person’s life. Everyone should know that they are appreciated.
I am confident that I have ommitted many of the best ones, but will add them as they occur me. A special thank you to my departed friend and mentor Harry K. Singletary for inspiring me to jot these down.
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