How do you approach social conflicts? Your conflict style may have a huge influence on the outcome of your disagreements, as well as on the quality of your social relationships in general. Try to identify which of these three main styles you use, and learn more effective strategies, if needed.
The Passive Approach
These teens are likely to have trouble communicating and advocating for their needs. They may be afraid to stand up for themselves, either because their self-worth is low or because they lack good communication skills. As a result, other kids realize early on that these kids can be pushed around with little repercussion. These teens may be more likely to have problems making friends or to be bullied. The relationships that they do have are often unfulfilling because they allow their “friends” to treat them badly, yet they don’t know how to change this dynamic.
The Aggressive Approach
Teens who use this style are often confrontational and intimidating in their personal interactions. They can use threatening verbal or body language and often don’t seem to care about the other person’s needs. Their sole goal is to get what they want. Cooperation may be difficult for them, and their approach to other people may be abrasive. They may resort to name-calling or threats to get their way. These kids are more likely to be the bulliers, causing other students to fear or avoid them. If they use this same approach with authority figures, they may wind up with discipline and other problems.
Assertive Approach
These teens know how to get their needs met while respecting the needs of others. They know how to cooperate and compromise, and their goal is to achieve a win-win outcome. Their verbal approach is respectful and solution-oriented. These kids have learned effective communication and problem-solving skills. They listen to others, but are able to make their own needs and ideas known in an assertive manner. This is the ideal approach to use in most situations so that everyone comes out a winner.
Which is your current Style ? ___________________________
Now let's discuss each further and especially how to develop an assertive approach.
Assertive communication conveys respect for one's rights as well as the rights of others. It is an empowering form of speech that enables people to stand up for themselves, directly asking for what they want, and declining requests or demands of others when necessary. Assertive communication is solution-focused and contributes to the resolution of conflicts between people. In the field of assertiveness training, communication and behaviors are often described as passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or assertive.
Passive Communication and Behaviors
Passivity devalues one's own rights and self-worth. People who are passive often value the wants, preferences, and opinions of others more than those of their own. They often make no effort to prevent others from mistreating them. They have difficulty with expressing disagreements with others. They tend to hint at what they want instead of expressing themselves directly. They often lose control of their lives because they give into others so often. Examples of passive behaviors include:
•Saying "yes" when you want to say "no"
•Giving in to the requests of others
•Remaining silent when someone says something insulting or offensive
Aggressive Communication and Behaviors
People with aggressive behaviors often view their rights as more important than the rights of others. They may use intimidation in their efforts to convince others to give into them. They may resort to hurling insults or name-calling. They may blame others for their anger instead of taking responsibility for their own emotions. They tend to make demands rather than requests. Examples of aggressive comments include:
"You made me mad."
•"You need to help me with this project."
•"You should have dinner on the table when I get home."
•"You can't do anything right!"
Passive-Aggressive Behaviors
People who tend to react in a passive-aggressive manner often fail to express their anger or other emotions directly. They may lack the courage or the assertiveness skills to express their dissatisfaction openly, so they express themselves, verbally and non-verbally, in ways that do not directly address the issues. Passive-aggressive behaviors and communication often include:
•Giving others the "silent treatment," hoping they will figure out for themselves why you are angry
•Slamming doors out of anger, yet refusing to address the reasons why you are angry
•Intentionally missing the dinner party of a friend who forgot your birthday
Developing Assertiveness Skills
The most common assertiveness skill is the deliberate use of the word "I" followed by the expression of a thought or emotion. This technique allows the speaker to express how he or she feels in an appropriate manner without blaming others.
An additional assertiveness skill focuses on expressing one's wants and needs without making demands or having expectations on others. The easiest way to do this is to begin a sentence with "I wish." For example, a wife could say to her husband, "I wish you would consult with me when you invite your parents over for dinner."
Another important component of assertiveness training is refraining from giving into others. Use the word "no" as the first word of the statement when declining requests or demands. The comment, "No, I don't want to go to the movies" sounds more assertive than, "I don't think I want to go to the movies."
Learning to ask for favors in a direct, assertive manner is also very important. Appropriately asking someone for help is an important skill and it is equally important to respect the rights of others to say "no."
Examples of Assertive Communication
Assertive comments can be structured in a variety of ways. A comment is assertive when it expresses honesty, respect for oneself and others, and accepting responsibility for one's own feelings. Some examples of assertive statements are:
•"I felt worried when you didn't come home at your usual time. I wish you would let me know when you have to work late."
•"When you don't put your dishes away, I feel angry. I wish you would put your dishes in the sink when you have finished eating."
•"If you are available Saturday afternoon, would you be willing to help me move some furniture?"
•"No, I can't help you. I already have plans."
Assertiveness Training Takes Time and Effort
Some people feel that they do not have the self-esteem to be assertive. They need to rethink that idea. Your self-esteem will improve when you start to be assertive. Assertiveness is merely a skill and skills can be learned. Assertiveness takes practice. When people look for opportunities to be assertive, their assertiveness skills will improve. Assertiveness increases your self-respect and control of your own life.
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